Films that SUCK

Legal Disclaimer: If you are a film Student... it's now time for you to kindly FUCK OFF. Especially if you're from tisch. This site is NOT for you because I know more about film than you well ever learn, even through a PH.D. in Film, and this may upset you. If you are anyone other than a film student, please note in advance that if you disagree with my opinions, you are wrong. If you think I have seen even half of the movies listed below, you are also wrong.

The Mummy This movie kicks ass if you like very crappy animation and bad music. The special effects make many people's organs come to life and move around in a unified sort of way. It's very spiritual, especially when juxtaposed with the annoying MUMMY music. Also, this big mummy tries to conquor the world, which makes lots of sense since he's been dead for a while. Of course the bullshit love story makes the fake mummy seem even more scary because god forbid the fake mummy prevents the stupid girl from getting laid. The only good part is when then the mummy captures the girl. Thank god. she's such a fucking slut. For some reason the guy who tries to help the dead mummy also ends up dead. Clearly this movie is ideal only if you're dead. And if you're a mummy.

The Mummy 2 One piece of shit was not enough. so the sequel was made exclusively to feature more ridiculous animation, an example of which can be seen below:

This kind of drawings, exhibited prolifically throughout the MUMMY was produced by respectable graduates of the Art Institute for Neurotic Schizzofrenia patients. DO NOT waste your time on this movie.

Titanic  Sorry titanic fans, but I must say, you're pretty fucking stupid for liking this movie. And to be honest, I'm not very sorry for saying this either. You suck, all of you. Way to appreciate a movie that is 100% a peice of shit. Let's see, does it appeal to you because...

1. some slut gets fucked on a big boat
2. you dont have to worry about finding something to do during the 16.4 hours of your life that you spend watching this movie
3. celine dion's voice makes you feel all warm and tingly inside- ie you're a pathetic looser
4. it's a huge suspense thriller because you had no idea, at the start of the movie, that the big boat will crash into a pile of ice and EVERYONE will die?! because you hoped that somehow the Titanic would miss the iceberg and safely reach the comforting shores of the US? Gee, what a fucking surprise that there's a shipwreck in a movie called titanic, I really wasn't expecting that to happen.
5. you think that by seeing it 20+ times you have a greater than zero chance of actually meeting leonardo dicaprio. Yea, fucktards, he'll come out of the screen and give you a big diamond during the 25th time you see this stupid movie.
6. this movie has cool special effects. again with the special effect shit. listen idiots, it's not so incredibly hard to film a topless woman with a big fake diamon necklace. especially if she's kate winslet. also, it's not so hard to film leonardo dicaprio taking a bath in a bathtub. the big boat is impressive, but i can do better: 

If you like titanic for reasons other than the reasons listed above, you may email them to me. Except I really dont give a shit. If  you like this movie, you suck and I dont want to talk to you. Stop reading my website.

Ten Things I hate About you This movie supports my theory that all classical literature should be obliterated from the earth, because some dipshit is always going to try and simplify it for the brainwashed, average dimwits, like the idiots that actually liked ten things i hate about you. Plot synopsis: so this fake balerina- the blond sister, is supposed to be the Shrew. Ironically she is pretty well mannered compared to the half-pregnant, half-retarded older sister. But the shrew one doesn't wear designer clothes and never challenges her intellect by drinking lots of hard liquor like the rest of her high school. This clearly makes her a shrew, very much like the Shakespearean character. Except not at all like it.  The point of the movie is for the half-pregnant sister older sister to stop wearing the pregnant costume and actually get pregnant after her dad allows her to date. The only thing that was cool was the pregnant costume- that thing is hot. I still sometimes fantasize about being dominated by anyone who is wearing that costume, in a pile of hay, like when in the movie, the blond girl was dominated by her freaky admirer. The names were cute though, weird that they all corresponded to the actual book, because nothing else in the movie did. Clever trick, producer.

The poem in the end is really touching, makes you realize that the characters are huge victims of an even huger misunderstanding. Fortunately, I wrote a better poem:

I hate the way this movie starts

I hate the way it ends

I hate each minute in between,

but most i hate the way i feel

for days and monthes after it was seen.

I knwo what you're thinking- my poem sucks. well guess what?! the movie sucks a shitload more. stop drooling over it.

Star Wars I can proudly say I have never suffered the misfortune of actually sitting through an entire epise of this garbage. If you like this movie, you are a DORK, and there's no other way around it. Here is a list of things that make you a dork:

1. watching a movie where characters are called DARTH WADERTH and JAR JAR BANKS
2. actually liking these names and understanding thier complex meaning
3. watching a movie where characters look like this:

Star wars is arguably the stupidest movie ever made, both by nature of its characters names and their appearances. End of Discussion.

Stay tuned for more reviews.