MICROSOFT DIARIES

A friend of mine has been keeping a journal lately, but for some inexplicable reason, he starts every entry with “Dear Microsoft” (inead of “dear diary”). Here are just a few posts:

Dear Microsoft,
You may wonder why so many former PC users are now running Apple computers, which have essentially no software and seem to bear grudges against people who want to run programs. I can answer you:
It is because you all suck.
Your computers, your programs and your souls are fetid pits of darkness, and I hope you pay for this eternally as I have paid for your ineffectiveness with my heart.
Sincerely,
Jeffrey Lovitz

I would like to report a bug on your website:
It is the bug where you delude customers into thinking that everything is okay with their computers and, in fact, the world, while you really are eating their very existence.
Sincerely,
Jeffrey Lovitz

I would like to receive the pay of a "usability participant", for it seems that I have been signed up and used against my will. Much like I used Bill Gates' wife in an alley perpendicular to Franklin Street last weekend; giving her crystal meth in exchange for her body.
Sincerely,
Jeffrey Lovitz

In my last email, I mentioned the usability studies, and how I would like to receive pay for being used. It turns out that participants are not paid. Furthermore, I would like to say that I penetrated holes on his wife that Bill didn't know existed.
Sincerely,
Jeffrey Lovitz

I believe in miracles
Where you from
You sexy thing
I believe in miracles
Since you came along
You sexy thing
Sincerely,
Jeffrey Lovitz
P.S. Mr. Gates, your wife in fact can NOT sing this song while I'm using myself to paint the inside of her mouth.

Mr. Gates,
You may soon discover that your daughter is in great need of a wheelchair for just a few weeks. I can give you the name of a good rental company if you'd like; they'll even give you a discount due to my high rate of referrals. However, it might be more cost-effective for you to buy one, as I intend to be a frequent visitor in your daughter's cavities at least until she turns 12.
Sincerely,
Jeffrey Lovitz
P.S. Melissa wants a pony.