Whatis berber House?
Afterrussia, the plan was simple: I would meet Chris in London, we wouldfly to Malaga (Spain) and catch a Ferry to Morrocco where we wouldtravel for 10 days. We bought a lonely planet Morrocco guide andbooked our flight to Malaga. We left the rest up for imporvisation.
Luckily,Chris is pretty big on details, so he heavily outlined our entiretrip:
Inreality, our trip looked like this:
Atfirst, Chris made me dress up like a piece of crap bc he thought myslutty ways would offend the Muslims. So for the entire ferry ride toMorrocco, I had to wear this shirt:
Crossingthe Gibraltar for the first time ever in my life, I felt like a trueRussian. Clear blue water, mellow sea breeze, mediterraneanislands... all that was missing was the caviar.
Wearrived in Tangier, and had many shishkaboobs. The next day- we foundout what is a kasbah.
Thisis the Kasbah of Tangier
Inother words- its an ancient Moroccan fortress. As we walked throughthe Ancient center of Tangier, everyone came up to us and said “wouldyou like a jewelery? Special Berber price!!!” At that time- wedid not know what was Berber price or what was jewlery.
Wehad lots of tasty schwarma
chrisLOOOVVES schwarma
Thatswhy we caught an overnight train for Marakesh, but it was not easy tofigure out which track to go to bc the train schedule looked likethis:
Inthe overnight train, Chris and I got the 2 top bunks, and of course,I kept making blow job faces and giggling in the most abnoxious ofmanners. The man sleeping below us throught we were making fun ofhim, so when I fell asleep, he got up, caughed on my face, rubbedpieces of his fart into my ears and put some mucus on my eyelids.Thats why when I woke up, I had a 104F fever and severe pain in mythroat.
Ifelt weak and couldnt talk, but chris decided we should go on a rapidtour of the Marakesh Kasbah ASAP. Fortunately, our tour guide was atall albino with black mascara!!
Thetour consisted of 5 minute historic overview of Marakesh, 2 minutesin the Marakesh Kasbah, and 3 hours of excursions into berber houses.Now fans, if you still do not understand what is berber house, I canexplain. Berber house is a Moroccan store where the salesman alwayssays “Special Berber price for you my friend, only 40,000,000diehrams”. (A dollar is worth about 10 diehrams). Berber househas lots of berban jewlery, rugs, and skins. Please refer to thefollowing exhibit.
ExhibitA: Berber House
Towardsthe evening, i was feeling even more sick- with my fever rising, andthe animals inside the plegm in my chest frolicking.
Toavoid fever, chris put wet sock on my head
Thenext day, we went on a 12 hour roadrip through the desert. The onlything hotter than our un-airconditioned car was my fever.
Inmy feverish delirious state, I saw a Kasbah
Andsome camals
Atnight, I felt a little better, so we went out into the famousmarakesh square and had MANY shishkaboobs, cous cous and tangines.Then we played a traditional Morccoan Game called
Putthe plastic donus on the Arabic Coke
Thenext day, went into a tannery- which is where they die skins byputting them into tubs of pidgeons shit, dead bugs, and other naturaldies. Thats right Gucci Fans- your leather bags have been placed intopidgeon shit many times!!!!
Mintleaves were used as gas mask
Bythe way, I think Gucci bags are the stupidest bags in the world. Ifyou own at least one Gucci bag, you can no longer call yourself aNews Fan.
Wethen caught a train to Casablanca- where we hoped to spend 1 wholeday as a day of rest. I was feeling much better from my cold, and thecasablanca beaches were pretty nice.
Casablancabeach
Theday of rest in casablanca was probably the best day of rest ever, because we did not go into even one Kasbah or Berber house. But theday of rest ended at about 5am that night, when Chris and I tagteamedthe toiled for 2 consecutive hours. Fans- the diarea that was comingout of my ass was not soft, loose, or fluid- it was CLEAR WATER. Each time I had even a sip to drink- it came out of my ass inunchanged, watery format about 3 minutes later. My fever probablycontributed greatly to the global warming and no doubt, helped formKatrina, the deadly hurricane during which Bush was resting in hiscowboy farm.
Wewent to the Casablanca farmacy where they gave us 4 differentmedicines that I had to take before every meal. For the next fewdays, every single meal I had consisted of:
Ilooked more dead than dead dad
Consequently,we decided to leave Morcco ASAP, but the train back to Tangier was 7hours long. When I got on the train, my diarrea suddenly acquired aloyal companion in the form of puke. I guess what Im trying to say isthat I threw up several times into the Morrocan train bathroom- whichwas a hole in the train floor, covered with shit, and piss, andeventually- my yellow vomit.
Mybodily excretions exceeded the rate of 3 gallons/hour, but when wereached Tangier I felt a little better. Thats why the next day webought a HUGE, 4 ft tall morrocan Lantern, made of ship skin. We alsovisited some more Berber houses.
Iwas feeling almost great, but I made one huge mistake. Before we goton the ferry for Malaga, I had one last meal in Morocco whichconsisted of a juicy Malaria Sandwich. I dont know why I ordered themalaria sandwich, but I realized my mistake shortly after the boatleft the port. I promised myself to never eat malaria again.
Unfortunately,when we got to malaga, malaria was all around us as we unpacked ourhuge lantern. It smelled like dead animals, malaria and typhoid, andwe had no choice but to air it out in our hostal- even if it meantattracting the malaria swat team and getting deported.
Ventiallationof Malaria Lantern
Thelantern was so huge, we went scavenging for empty boxes in Malagatrash chutes. We finally found the right size cardboard box, and madefeces-like structures our of our clothes to secure the lantern forairplane transportation.
Poo-likesecuring device
Weeven attached a handle to our box, making into a fully functionalGucci Bag for lanterns
GucciBag for Malaria Lanterns
Inconclusion, we finally made it back to the US in one piece- muchunlike my stool which still consists of many tiny pieces of goo.
PS.When I saw a doctor in the US, she quickly gave me a rectal exam, andtold me that the dose of medication I was presribed in Morocco is noteven legal in the US. After shitting into many tiny test tubes Istill dont know- maybe I have dysentery, or maybe tapeworm.
Ihave only one piece of advice for travelers- do not eat malariasandwich or malaria shishkabobs. The end.